How To Dodge Cupid's Arrow This Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day. What a fucking awful day of the year.
The roses. The chocolate. The cringe-worthy dating advice. Yuck. Single or not, Hello Zukeen has compiled a sorely needed list - the best ways to stay single this Valentines day.
And hey, maybe there will be a few tidbits for love-seekers as well. Let’s begin.
Wear Deodorant, Smell Pleasant
The term ‘body odor’ and all of it’s unpleasant connotations is haphazardly inaccurate. Way off the money. There a few things sexier than the primal aromas of human sweat.
While there’s not a whole lot of evidence to suggest the transfer of ‘pheromones’ exists, science certainly suggests that men’s natural sweat is a turn on for women. And vice versa? Our brief skim of Google didn’t suggest so, but we say otherwise. A sweaty human is a sexy human regardless of gender.
Conquest extraordinaire, Napolean Bonaparte knew all about this. Between running his armies rampant across Europe, Napoleon used to return home to France for a little hanky panky with his wife. Before doing so, he would write to her saying ‘Don’t wash, I’m coming home’.
The point is, wear deodorant.
Masturbating is a surefire way of avoiding love and other related interactions. Rid yourself of any kind of sexual tension. Ejaculate as many times as humanly possible before you leave bed in the morning. Continue the process throughout the day until you feel like a piece of dried fruit with the libido of a 87 year old lost in the desert.
Any thought of intercourse thereafter will make your your sexual bits shudder and mutter something like “Again…? Are you kidding me?”.
Remind Yourself of The Perils of Overpopulation
Truth be told, there are far too many humans in this world. The last thing this planet needs is another human. Want to do your little bit to help? This Valentines Day, go watch something by Al Gore. Remind yourself of all the environmental and social ills caused by overpopulation. See if you can count to 7.53 billion in one day. Remember that every time you inhale, something like 20 babies enter this world.
Pretend You’re In Love
Nothing is more attractive than loneliness. Dave from Flight of The Conchords knew all about this. In Season 1, Brett and Jermaine run into Dave at a party, standing in the corner, looking all wistful.
He says, “Look guys, I don’t want to be a dick, but can you guys move away? I’m trying to look lonely… Chicks are attracted to lonely guys, it’s a psychological analogy”.
If you’re not after love do: Find a friend who also wishes to remain single and do all the crap that lovers like to do on Valentine’s Day.
If you’re after love do: Sulk. Meander down your busiest street staring at your feet. Now stop and crane your neck slowly to look up at the sky a if you’re waiting for god to answer your Valentines prayers. When he doesn’t, exhale sadly, slide your hands into your pockets, look back down to your shoes at carry on down the street.
Love Won’t Work Out Anyway
Love is a fool’s game. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of relationships in your life won’t work out. How’s that for futile! Who would invest in those odds? Valentine’s Day? Ha! What a stinking waste of time!
Drink Yourself Into Oblivion
Plan Z. Not healthy. Not terribly productive. But it just might work.
Perhaps you find yourself at a dead end, trying to stay single, with all kinds of humans hoping to make you. There is nothing more unattractive than a loud, no good drunk.
Now go find your dirtiest dive and go drink yourself into oblivion.